'CAN'cer

As I begin penning my thoughts I do so with a tad bit of under confidence, not with respect to the 'art of expression' ( ah! I do it pretty well verbally and non - verbally) but because this is the 1st time I am going public with what I went through and my experiences along.

The year 2010 has been a year that in any sense of the word was a 'little' different from the usual course of life that all of us go through. No no ! I didn't migrate to Uganda, Siberia or any of those weird countries where I was abducted and you know my experiences from thereon ( that makes a plot for an interesting story though) but into a world that literally displaces everything around you for the time that you are there. The world of Cancer.

Yes in retrospect it sounds and feels scary to me too but when you are there the only thing you have an appetite for is HOPE and, more importantly, the only vibe that emanates from you then to your family is that of HOPE.

My journey through my successful recovery has taught me lot about myself about the attitudes that help one sail in every phase of life.

1. Victim Syndrome -'Why me? Am I bad' . Did I ever go through such bouts ! NEVER! 'Why me??" because God knew that I had the emotional and physical capacity to deal with this gracefully. So all of you who go through this, please take a step back, feel honoured that you are the chosen one , embrace the situation and prove it to yourself that you are bigger than the problems you have. I did it and it worked.
2. Humour - Bring in a sense of humour in everything in life. In the good and bad times. And I applaud my family and friends for it. Apart from the fact that chemotherapy literally washes away your immune system, it has a whole lot of side effects. I am sure cinema has done enough to educate us about lumps of hair coming off. But when it happened to me I was actually happy and frankly it was pretty amusing. Against everyone'wishes I decided to go bald instead going through the ordeal of cleaning up your bed - sheet off the hair. Now, for anyone else it may have been a very emotional situation but for my family members and myself it was a ceremony. I refused to wear a scarf, which is the 1st indication of anyone going through chemotherapy, and decided to make myself the style icon and yes ladies and gentlemen I wanted to look like parameshwar Godrej !!! and 'mission Hat' was launched. Sid went from one end of the town to the other and bought me those hats. So yes , I will cherish the memories of such events and many more that I experienced with a pinch of humour.
3. Power of the mind - On several occasions during the course of my recovery I was truly amazed at the power of the mind and what a true gift it is to humans. I also realised how often we tame our minds to conveniently accept certain attributes as our weaknesses which may really be either escapism or just lack of experiences to know ourselves better. So throw yourself to the challenges that life has to offer and you will realise you are worth more than what you really think yourself to be. When I was given the news, my 1st thoughts were obviously about my family but it took me less than a day to be determined to fight this damn thing. I had already prepared a timetable in my mind and had decided the dates ( mind you, these are not intuitive days but the real dates ) on which each threshold would clear. For eg. I had decided that by the 14th of May I would successfully come through my 1st cycle of chemotherapy and by the 13 I had done it. The doctor said I was lucky and all I could do was just smile. I knew it was not just luck, it was my mind. There were many more such instances, but I'll feel like a braggart if I elaborate further. So if you are interested to know, mail me and I shall talk about it further.
4. Take control - Stop relying on external factors to make your life better. The locus of control is always within. I've often witnessed people with frustrations around their careers, family, friends, illnesses etc. It's time to take some responsibility for yourselves if you haven't done it as yet and stop the melodrama around it. It does not help !!! during my treatment I had taken the responsibility for my medicines and ensured that I got up and took them myself. It's my body and I damn well take control of it. There was no room for tantrums or spoon feeding for myself. I also did not let unfounded fears of others get in the way of my freedom. If 'I' felt and was medically advised of certain liberties, then I grabbed them and exercised them. There is no point in being 'extra' careful in life. Live it sensibly and you'll never regret having lived it.
5. Inspiration - I have often found myself pretty lost when someone has asked me, who is my biggest inspiration. Frankly I can admire people but get inspired ... nah! not happened UNTIL I looked within and found it in myself. Even today when I feel irritated by something I always go back to MY world of cancer and get inspired by the things that I did. It works ... always works ... Yes I AM my inspiration for myself. And this applies to each and every one of us. Look within and you will realise the greatness that you have exhibited in different walks of life. So like I said, the locus of control is always within.
6. Facebook - Last and not the least, I have often seen a lot of people post status messages around cancer patients, some also around breast cancer. Without any intention to trivialise the intentions of those who've done it, this is not enough. In fact if all that you have done is this, then please refrain from doing it again because it really makes no difference to anyone to write something on the social network platform. The treatment for cancer is a very expensive affair and there are some who give into because they don't have the funds to support their treatments. Apart from this, in the UK and US there are instituted bodies that provide therapeutic support to family members who have relatives going through cancer treatment or who have lost their fight against cancer, but this is a something that is almost absent in India. What is required for a cancer patient or the family is not a 'status message' but for you to step into hospitals and volunteer to just talk to those family members. I've done it and it is the most gratifying experience one can have.

That's about it. I've been intending to write this blog since sometime but got overwhelmed almost every time I got down to it. This is a part of my journey to recovery and for those of you who've taken the time to read it, thanks for being a part of it.

1. When not asked for most advise falls on deaf ears.
2. It's not worth nurturing friendship where you are not emotionally equals
3. Don't let the incapabilities of the people around you affect your capabilities

Happiness in the twisted sense !

Well today’s blog is pretty aimless. I felt like just writing and hopefully some theme will emerge while I am writing.

 

These days I feel a lot more settled and maybe to some extent at peace with the pace at which life is moving. It’s strange but when you actually sit to understand the nuts and bolts of your life that actually lend you the emotions you experience on a day to day basis, you realize they are so small. For example, my maid has not been coming in for while and I decided to cook for a couple of days, I suddenly felt in control. Then, unlike last year, ever since I have moved into my new house all clothes are washed on time and there is no overloading of the washing machine, I have bought dry fruits and take them to office which make me feel so responsible towards myself. I have these really nice plastic boxes in which I keep the food before putting into the fridge and it makes me feel so organized. While these things may rather make me sound ‘domesticated’, the fact is these were the things which when not in place made me irritable.

 

I also realized that happiness has no reference to how good or bad the economy is faring, what kind of social unrest is prevalent in society or for that matter the state of mind the person sitting next to you is in. Happiness is a state of the mind and not the sum of the states of mind. Hence one moment of happiness is equal to a positive state of mind during the time frame within which the incident that is giving this positive feeling is occurring.

 

So what is it that prevents us from being happy at the instance in which you are experiencing those happy moments? While there could be a very philosophical answer to this, laden with emotions, I would rather shred it to its bare threads and tell you why I refuse to be happy every moment. It’s boring!!!! It does not allow you to be ecstatic and that is why you play games with your mind to feel bad about certain things on a day to day basis to simply widen the gap between two states of emotions you experience consecutively so that your state of happiness is elevated … its exciting! To that extent, I would also be very bored with people who are perennially happy because then I don’t play any role in their life…. I do get the opportunity to play the role of ‘guardian angle’ where ‘I’ pull them out of their miseries … I am not relevant in their lives.

 

While what I say may sound very eccentric and twisted, you may probably want to look at yourself thru the glasses tainted with this eccentricity and have a laugh at your twisted sense.  

Hope .... yes it's there !!!

It's the undertone of everyone's life, it's there at our beck and call, it's the synthesis of all energies towards a bigger goal ,its life and it's the only thing that each one of us can rightfully own.
Yes it's hope .. its there !!!!

I am an opportunist of sort . I ring the holy bells and read the holy scriptures in face of adversity. Maybe it's just hope , lingering somewhere ,which makes itself tangible right at the wrong times . O yes it's hope ...it's there !!!

It's strange but true that it's hope that gives us anxiety and it's hope that gives us peace.
It's hope of love that brings us together and it's hope from love that takes us apart.
It's so indispensables and yet so forgettable.
Who knows what it makes of you and where it takes you a
And yet with such boundryless existence it's the one thing we could create and recreate without hoping for anything less .
Yes this is hope .... it's there !!!

Who says so !

As a little kid I was a little defiant with the nuances of any religious activity such as the vermilion drawn across ones forehead ( horizontally or vertically) or drinking the holy water or it being sprinkled all over you or the holy food being served to all or visiting crowded temples where the din just gets to you . More than an ideological stance ( as most would conveniently christen it as) it was more of a natural dislike for the entire activity. I was for sometime as a kid let away for holding such an aberrant notion but as I grew up I found eyebrows raised ( how I wished I could keep them grounded in some way) when I refused to indulge in any of those activities .

Well ! did you just think I was an atheist? If you did , I wouldn't blame you . You are just another manufactured product of the conditioning that most societies adhere to . But here's a simple question for you , what is religion? Does it give the society at large the right to dictate terms of living to an individual. Does it preach religious bigotry? Does it give the so called 'religious elite' the right to force Zohra to accept her husband as her son and give away her children because she happened to be raped by her father in law. Does it give right to the society to victimise two individuals of the same gender for sharing genuine and harmless affection with each other .Does it arm you and me with the power to be judgemental of the other ?

Unfortunately today religion is the seed of discord misused & exploited by each of us who swear by it . In light of such atrocities , would you still consider me an atheist? who says so ??